We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
