I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
