i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
