Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
