Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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