Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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