i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
