I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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