Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
