if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
