Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
