Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
