I want to make a zoo with you.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
