yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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