i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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