dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
