Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
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I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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