Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
