I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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