You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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