This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
