He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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