I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
