I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
