You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
