So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
