i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
