im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
