Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
