please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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