I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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