i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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