i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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