Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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