Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
