I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
