On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
