Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
