I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
