You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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