At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
