I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just had sex bonerless
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
