I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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