I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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