I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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