She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
