I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
