We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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