When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
