so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
