Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
