I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize