Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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