Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
