I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sarcasm needs its own font
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
