Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
