i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
