even my farts smell like vagina
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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